Articles
In light of the run-away success of Sex in the City, this might be a good time to deconstruct romance in the workplace. Over the years I’ve seen many decent people blindsided, and many others who end up hurting or embarrassing either themselves or, worse yet, innocent bystanders. Though all professional schools (and risk managers) should provide office sex education, focusing on how well-meaning, good people can fall into potentially compromising situations, they don’t—which leaves us pretty much on our own to deal with difficult feelings and circumstances. Yet there’s nothing new about falling in love at work; most situations are fairly predictable.
The Intensity Of The Workplace Fosters Romance
The workplace can become so intense that boundaries blur and we’re tempted to throw caution to the winds. When strong feelings develop, often unexpectedly, it’s easy to conclude that you’re in love. But instead of surrendering, or reacting with stupefied surprise, it’s best to make intentional decisions, which are easier to make if you’re prepared for them.
Why is it anyone else’s business if two people who work together fall in love or begin an affair? Putting aside practical concerns like lawsuits, malpractice claims and ethics charges, organizations are complex systems and unbalanced relationships impact the whole team. There really isn’t any way to insulate the work environment. Questions about fairness, confidentiality, and the team’s survival if the relationship dies inevitably arise; communication is often disrupted and trust compromised.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. Here are a few situations to be on guard for.
Office Parties Often Create Havoc
Office parties have a notorious reputation—and with good reason. During work hours, we all experience a variety of feelings we don’t act on, ranging from anger toward others to attraction. Throwing an annual office party is a way we all get to let off a little steam. It’s a socially acceptable outlet, like a roast, or Mardi Gras. Granted, we all have fantasies, but once we act on them, we can’t always fit them back into the neat little box of our imagination. Remember: most of what happens in the heat of an alcohol-based event doesn’t survive the hangover, except as an embarrassing (and occasionally career-ending) bad dream.
Trials Can Become Romantic Hotbeds
Preparing for a trial can be akin to producing, directing and starring in a play—both are dramatic, intense situations in which the stakes are high, hours are long, and you are on the same team. It’s not unusual for a romance to blossom, even though it will most likely fade after the wrap. None of the players is immune—lawyers, clients, witnesses, experts, investment bankers. Wise attorneys will postpone any undying declarations of love until after the cast party is long over.
Rescuing A Client In Distress Can Be Sexy
Like therapists, lawyers have to work hard to not confuse the admiration and gratitude they receive from their clients for love. This is easier said than done. When people entrust you with their most difficult, and sometimes most intimate matters, it can be a heady experience. Who doesn’t love to be flattered, admired, appreciated and deferred to—especially if we don’t receive quite the same attention from our families. In these situations, your clients need to believe that you are the most brilliant, experienced, and dedicated lawyer in the world; this allows them to weather situations over which they have lost control. Just make sure you don’t mistake these intense feelings for something they’re not.
Avoid The Mentor/Protégé Mix-up
In most offices, an informal mentoring relationship often develops between people who like each other. People generally choose to mentor someone who shares their interests, outlook, or values. Proteges admire and appreciate those who single them out for attention and guidance—but these are often the same feelings that can lead to attraction and romance. But a mentoring relationship is, by definition, not between equals, and mentors bear the responsibility for protecting their protégés from the inherent vulnerability of this relationship. Wise protégés need to recognize that their mentors may not have completed Romance 101 and, therefore, should keep their own eyes open.
Don’t Become A Fool For Love
Some wonderful, passionate, caring and intense people—men and women—simply fall in love time after time. Often, they are charismatic, attractive and charming. They thrive on the depth and intensity of true love and seem to have a difficult time adjusting to ordinary life when the bloom fades. The last thing they want is to hurt anyone, but unfortunately they do. Men may be especially susceptible to this since our culture doesn’t allow them much room for emotional expression, and falling in love is an acceptable outlet. To protect yourself, notice patterns—your own or your suitor’s. Once you’ve been down this path a couple times, ask yourself what role romance plays in your life. Is it a substitute for coming to terms with yourself? How are your serial romances impacting the lives of the people you care about? Conversely, if you are the latest object of affection, you need to ask yourself what happened to the most recent flame—because you’re probably going to wind up like her (or him).
If you find yourself in one of these situations, the best thing to do is pause. Don’t enter into romantic relationships in charged circumstances until you can test your feelings in the cold, mundane light of day. If you can’t extricate yourself, talk to your firm’s risk manager or Human Resources representative. The conversation may be hard, but the one you initiate will undoubtedly go better than the one you are summoned to.
For law office managers, an ounce of prevention will save you tons of cure. Talk to the people involved before a relationship becomes an “issue.” When people understand the risks inherent in charged situations, they are much more likely to handle themselves admirably without your intervention. Second, establish clearly articulated norms about office relationships; that way, people will know what to avoid. Third, establish that “don’t ask, don’t tell” won’t work in your firm. Talking to people about personal relationships violates a host of cultural taboos, so the default expectation is that no one is going to raise the subject until it’s unavoidable—at which point it’s usually too late to salvage. Let it be known that you are determined to have difficult conversations early. In fact, read the book: Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most by Stone, Patton, Heen and Fisher (Penguin Paperback,2000).
RESOURCES
Stone, Patton, Heen and Fisher; Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most, Penguin Paperback, 2000.
