How many times have you heard someone say, “Choose your battles wisely”? It is a wise sentiment, surely correct, and of course we’d all benefit by heeding it. Your work-life could be better: As with all time management, prioritizing conflict is important in a workday of limited (emotional) resources. And given that there are always relationship costs to friction—even productive friction—you owe it to your coworkers and colleagues to pick fights wisely. There are also reputational gains to be made by identifying what is important and staying above the fray the rest of the time. And, surely, less conflict at work could augment your inner peace.
Yes, yes, you know all that, I am sure. And yet you still find yourself occasionally pulled into conflict that, well, doesn’t much matter, right? More than occasionally? Even when you know better? Here are some of the most common reasons you fight about silly things at work:
Five Reasons You Get Riled And Strategies To Stay Calm
You can’t control your temper. Anger is a natural response to threat, and useful to rev up the energy necessary for a counter-attack. But many times, a counter-attack just isn’t called for. How do you control your temper as you decide whether a fight is worth it? The best answer involves a discussion of anger management, which is outside the scope of this article. But consider this one strategy: never respond in the moment. Do something to break up the anger-creating event and your response. Receive an arrogant voice mail? Wait until after lunch to return the call. Co-worker drop a bomb in a meeting? Revisit it later in the day. Anger does dissipate with time, and by then you’ll be more likely to calmly decide whether the issue is worth addressing.
You haven’t tapped your empathy. Another reason we get drawn into unnecessary battles is because we haven’t taken the time to consider where the other person or group is coming from. The explanation may be simple—the other person is in a lousy mood. But you won’t discover this unless you think through the other person’s frame of reference.
You’ve been publically challenged. We tend to fight more in public places because our ego kicks in to make us want to defend ourselves even more strongly. You don’t want the rest of the team thinking you are an idiot, do you? But just because you have an audience doesn’t mean that you should engage in a fight that otherwise doesn’t make sense. Moreover, most of us are disarmed by public conflict and don’t readily make our most reasoned arguments when others are watching.
This principle applies to fights brewing by email as well. If you receive an antagonistic email, especially one that’s copied to many others, make a point to respond by phone or in person—and alone. Resist the urge to smack-down the other party in a “reply-to-all” email. This may be hard but take the higher road—especially because your email can be so easily forwarded to others and read out of context.
You are taking the easy road. We all tend to focus on little problems at times because we can. It is easier for me to fight with my son over whether his room is tidy (relatively unimportant) than whether he is cultivating a good relationship with his grandparents (really important), just as it’s easier to debate at length the name of a new training program (relatively unimportant) than whether or not the needs analysis was completed well enough to move to instructional planning (really important). Like most people, I’d just rather think about easy stuff. But be on guard against the urge to weigh-in on the things that are “easy” rather than those that are vital.
You want to feel better about yourself. Ouch! But it’s true: most of us, at least from time to time, invest in disagreements so that we can prove ourselves correct or smart. Don’t let this natural urge lead you to fight about things that don’t matter. Being smart about small things is a small thing. As Dale Carnegie famously wrote, “Any fool can criticize, complain, condemn—and most fools do. Picking your battles is impressive and fighting them fairly is essential.”
“Choose your battles wisely”—the sentiment is obvious, the obstacles more subtle. Perhaps this short list helped you identify the hurdles so that your conflicts at work are better chosen, perhaps even chosen wisely.
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